Things that my latent Catholicism has ruined for me

• Red wine
• Organ music
• Sexual pleasure
• Fondue
• Non-theological interpretations of the first season of Daredevil
• Italian culture
• The colour gold
• Gothic architecture
• Nuns
• 80% of Hozier lyrics
• Paul Bettany

(N.B. I am not a practising Catholic, but as any Catholic knows, this doesn’t matter. If you’re Catholic you STAY THAT WAY, until you DIE like a FILTHY SINNER. Guilt consumes your every waking moment. I have never once felt pleasure without secretly wanting to sit in a dark room and chant myself into forgiveness. I’m off to do my Hail Marys now.)